Sunday, July 24, 2005
Say Nay, Jay!
OK, I'm feeeeling the power here -- and I'm going after THE BIG GUY! No, I don't mean God -- no, not even Tom Cruise. I'm talking 'bout THE BIG GUY here! I'm talkin' 'bout Jay Leno!
A couple of postings ago, I suggested that we appoint Tom Cruise to the Supreme Court. But, if we really wanted to reform and simplify the judicial system, we could get rid of all the juries and substitute Jay Leno. After all, every night Jay gets up there and decides who's innocent and guilty. Who needs juries?
Michael Jackson? Guilty! Robert Blake? Off with his head. O.J. Simpson? Pull-ease. Now, it doesn't matter that real live juries listened to days of testimony and decided that these guys weren't guilty. Even Geraldo said that Michael Jackson wasn't guilty -- so there! It must be true! Jay found, and still finds, them guilty -- and only the fact that they're public figures protects Jay from being guilty himself -- of slander.
But, what about Bill Cosby? Wasn't the Sainted Cosby accused of-- what was it? I honestly don't remember. You never heard any jokes about it on the Tonight Show. And how about Tom Cruise? No, I haven't heard that he's been accused of any crimes -- unless acting like a screwball is a crime. (But isn't that Michael Jackson's main crime? Acting like a screwball?) But Bill Cosby is a hero of Jay's -- Tom Cruise is a friend of Jay's. Tom can come on the show and talk cars and motorcycles -- they're buds. So Tom can make a total ass out of himself -- and nary a quip. Total free pass. Time for another joke about Dick Cheney's heart condition, right? That's a real scream, right? Get it, "scream?" But I respect Jay for that -- he has the courage to take on the difficult, professional comedic challenge of turning someone's heart condition into something funny.
Arnold is another friend of Jay. Every time his polls slip, Arnold comes on the Tonight Show so that Jay can lob easy, predetermined political questions to him. Not exactly Chris Matthews' stuff. Maybe you could have a new show and call it "Softball". Arnold is . . . you guessed it -- a Friend of Jay.
When you think about it, Arnold is the big long-term winner here. After all, Jay will eventually be replaced by Conan. With a name like Conan, you can be sure that Arnold will be his friend, too.
A couple of postings ago, I suggested that we appoint Tom Cruise to the Supreme Court. But, if we really wanted to reform and simplify the judicial system, we could get rid of all the juries and substitute Jay Leno. After all, every night Jay gets up there and decides who's innocent and guilty. Who needs juries?
Michael Jackson? Guilty! Robert Blake? Off with his head. O.J. Simpson? Pull-ease. Now, it doesn't matter that real live juries listened to days of testimony and decided that these guys weren't guilty. Even Geraldo said that Michael Jackson wasn't guilty -- so there! It must be true! Jay found, and still finds, them guilty -- and only the fact that they're public figures protects Jay from being guilty himself -- of slander.
But, what about Bill Cosby? Wasn't the Sainted Cosby accused of-- what was it? I honestly don't remember. You never heard any jokes about it on the Tonight Show. And how about Tom Cruise? No, I haven't heard that he's been accused of any crimes -- unless acting like a screwball is a crime. (But isn't that Michael Jackson's main crime? Acting like a screwball?) But Bill Cosby is a hero of Jay's -- Tom Cruise is a friend of Jay's. Tom can come on the show and talk cars and motorcycles -- they're buds. So Tom can make a total ass out of himself -- and nary a quip. Total free pass. Time for another joke about Dick Cheney's heart condition, right? That's a real scream, right? Get it, "scream?" But I respect Jay for that -- he has the courage to take on the difficult, professional comedic challenge of turning someone's heart condition into something funny.
Arnold is another friend of Jay. Every time his polls slip, Arnold comes on the Tonight Show so that Jay can lob easy, predetermined political questions to him. Not exactly Chris Matthews' stuff. Maybe you could have a new show and call it "Softball". Arnold is . . . you guessed it -- a Friend of Jay.
When you think about it, Arnold is the big long-term winner here. After all, Jay will eventually be replaced by Conan. With a name like Conan, you can be sure that Arnold will be his friend, too.
# posted by Bill @ 6:36 PM 
