Friday, October 14, 2005
Supreme Court -- Calling Al Umpires!
You know how we seem to be having trouble finding qualified Supreme Court justices? Well, I have the solution -- major league umpires!
After watching that home plate ump totally screw up the second White Sox-Angels game in the ALCS, he'd be perfect. He may not be good, but the way I see it is this: If your Federal government can't be effective, it can at least be entertaining.
So we'll test the players for steroids, and the umpires for beliefs on the abortion issue.
After watching that home plate ump totally screw up the second White Sox-Angels game in the ALCS, he'd be perfect. He may not be good, but the way I see it is this: If your Federal government can't be effective, it can at least be entertaining.
So we'll test the players for steroids, and the umpires for beliefs on the abortion issue.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Lessons
Well, the word is in. The Feds did a better job dealing with Hurricane Rita than with Katrina, and President Bush's approval ratings have bounced accordingly.
They can learn -- thank God! Like lab rats.
Now this has implications for our foreign policy as well. I would suggest that the reason why we didn't have a plausible excuse for invading Iraq, or any exit strategy, is that this is the first country that this Administration has invaded. (Afghanistan doesn't count -- we were helping native warlords on that one.) We should do much better the next time around.
How do I know this? According to a highly-placed Washington source (code name: Deep Ass), the Administration has assembled two new teams of top-level advisors.
The first team is composed of 10 nine-year-old boys. Their job is to devise a more plausible excuse for the next war. As everyone knows, no one can beat a nine-year old at coming up with excuses -- at any rate, they could certainly do better than citing non-existent WMD's. This team will be led by an unnamed former head of FEMA -- a proven expert at excuse composition.
The second team is focusing on exit strategies -- and is composed of 10 divorce lawyers. "Slip out the back, Jack" is their slogan.
Next time, we'll be ready.
Other thoughts:
With all these terrorists leaders that the U.S. is capturing/killing, Osama is going to be looking for people with leadership potential.
Why not Prince Charles? He's been training for a leadership role for his entire life, there are plenty of terrorists already in Britain, and his wife looks like a camel. Perfect!
They have these wildfires in California. Well, there's plenty of water in New Orleans -- just pump it out of the city, put it in oil tankers (after all, there's no gasoline or heating oil for them to transport, anyway) and send it to California.
Hey, this is too easy.
They can learn -- thank God! Like lab rats.
Now this has implications for our foreign policy as well. I would suggest that the reason why we didn't have a plausible excuse for invading Iraq, or any exit strategy, is that this is the first country that this Administration has invaded. (Afghanistan doesn't count -- we were helping native warlords on that one.) We should do much better the next time around.
How do I know this? According to a highly-placed Washington source (code name: Deep Ass), the Administration has assembled two new teams of top-level advisors.
The first team is composed of 10 nine-year-old boys. Their job is to devise a more plausible excuse for the next war. As everyone knows, no one can beat a nine-year old at coming up with excuses -- at any rate, they could certainly do better than citing non-existent WMD's. This team will be led by an unnamed former head of FEMA -- a proven expert at excuse composition.
The second team is focusing on exit strategies -- and is composed of 10 divorce lawyers. "Slip out the back, Jack" is their slogan.
Next time, we'll be ready.
Other thoughts:
With all these terrorists leaders that the U.S. is capturing/killing, Osama is going to be looking for people with leadership potential.
Why not Prince Charles? He's been training for a leadership role for his entire life, there are plenty of terrorists already in Britain, and his wife looks like a camel. Perfect!
They have these wildfires in California. Well, there's plenty of water in New Orleans -- just pump it out of the city, put it in oil tankers (after all, there's no gasoline or heating oil for them to transport, anyway) and send it to California.
Hey, this is too easy.
